A Review of Keen’s Steakhouse That Nobody Asked For

I’ll just disclaim in the intro that I know nobody cares about my opinion on Keen’s. It’s a New York Institution and people will go there whether I tell them to or not. Every review I’ve read of Keen’s says practically the same thing, which makes me feel ridiculous for feeling like “it’s like sitting in a time capsule” was a creative and original take that came from my brain and my brain alone. But anyway this blog is about MY personal creative expression. So without further adieu, here’s my review of Keen’s Steakhouse that nobody asked for.  

Walking into Keen’s is intimidating, and then overwhelmingly warm. My perspective may have been colored by the fact that I was meeting my 86 year old grandparents, and arrived to find the fire department, along with some paramedics entering the restaurant. Of course my first thought was that something terrible had happened to them upon their arrival, and I would be entering only to find them exiting on a stretcher. I approached the hostess and asked for my grandfather’s name with cautious hesitation, and when she said “right this way,” I immediately loosened up. 

I think my perception was also informed by the prices listed on the menu that I had studied beforehand, and the four dollar signs next to the name of the restaurant on google. An expensive New York institution. What kind of people eat at such a place? As it turns out, everyone! Tourists, families, groups of long lost friends, finance guys at an unofficial business meeting, an older man and a much younger woman celebrating a birthday. People of all ages and walks of life who have well earned/ well saved a couple hundred dollars to blow on meat have gathered for dinner, and none of them are here to phone in it. Everyone’s presence at Keen’s feels highly intentional, from tourists who saved this meal for their last night in town, to the Upper East Siders who were in the mood for a steak that night. Everyone is happy to be there, and it’s infectious. 

The ambience at Keen’s strikes the right balance between tasteful and campy, with the uniformed servers exuding an energy slightly reminiscent of the actors at colonial Williamsburg. Decorated with bowties and maroon aprons, the servers were friendly without being forceful, and cleared and reset the table with an almost military-like precision that still felt somewhat casual. 

The low ceiling is adorned with hundreds (thousands, millions?) of old fashioned smoking pipes crusted with the petrified saliva of any and all past notable patrons of Keen’s. This, along with the dark wood paneling and low lighting create the feeling that you’re eating in a historic meat dungeon; one where the friendly innkeeper feeds his captives his best cuts of dry aged meat, and releases them only when their stomachs are full (this is what I came up with after I realized the “time capsule” description had been played out).  

Now onto the food and drink. Traditionally I’m a strong advocate of “food before everything else,” but Keen’s has changed my mind about that. To be clear, the food is good. We didn’t order the extent of the menu, even with our party of six. But we got a decent array of meat along with a bottle of wine. 

The wine list had a surprisingly accessible price range, with the lowest bottle being priced at $30 dollars, all the way to bottles in the $600 dollar range. This, along with some affordable by the glass options, contributes to the feeling that Keen’s is inviting the coveted experience of enjoying wine with an expensive steak, not gatekeeping it. With a bit of red wine in our stomachs, we were perfectly primed for the meal that followed. 

My boyfriend and I split the porterhouse for two, which at a whopping two and a half pounds, is a sight to behold. Between the two of us, trying to finish the steak started to feel a bit like a Man vs. Food challenge. Nevertheless, we persisted and finished the meat and even got a couple good gnaws at the bone. My sister and her boyfriend split a T-bone and a filet, which I found to be slightly more flavorful than the porterhouse. My grandparents both ordered the lamb chops, which were crusty and flavorful even when cooked to their medium well preferences. Everything was seasoned well and cooked to our requests, which is really all you can ask of meat and the person cooking it. 

As far as I’m concerned, there are only two options when it comes to steakhouse sides: creamed spinach, and a potato thing. We ordered creamed spinach and, after a quick spar with my sister and some input from the waiter, the french fries. The creamed spinach was rich,  and parmesan forward without showing any visual signs of cream. Since it was mostly green, it provided the illusion of health and lightness even though it was anything but. In my book that’s exactly what you want from a creamed spinach. The french fries were crispy and flavorful, with a tender potatoey inside. Think 5 Guys fries if they were less greasy and perfectly crisp every time. My grandparents ordered a side of broccoli and cauliflower, which I did not eat since it goes against my personal steakhouse belief system. However, upon writing this review, I am slightly regretting that decision. 

Dessert was a mixed bag. We ordered the Keen’s Red Berry Bibble at our waiter’s suggestion, and because we hadn’t yet ordered anything with “Keen’s” slapped in front of the item name. And, at my grandparents request, we ordered the carrot cake. The Red Berry Bibble came in a parfait style glass, and with its sharp contrast of red compote on the bottom and white creme fraiche on top, resembled a Fourth of July themed firecracker popsicle. The presentation and taste were both unappealing to me, as it was far too acidic and lacked any kind of structural integrity. The carrot cake on the other hand was easily the best I’ve ever had. The cake was moist and flavorful (rare for carrot cake), and the cream cheese frosting was thick and rich without being too sweet. 

The food at Keen’s is good. Maybe even very good. I wouldn't say it was the best steak I’ve ever had in my entire life, but it didn’t need to be. The heft and quality of the meat along with the ambience more than warrants the price tag. While at first glance the menu can feel intimidating, I think two people can split one cut of meat with a couple sides and dine happily for under $150. However, if you’re here, you’re most likely here to go all in. And who could blame you? The lore and decor (hah, rhyme) invites unapologetic indulgence, as any good steakhouse should. I’m not giving any stars or ratings, but let’s just say this was one of the most enjoyable dining experiences I’ve had in a while for more reasons than one, and leave it at that.